Oh, I did not like that at all. I was ready to jump into Jeanne. Suddenly into me. Um.. This is bizarre. Excuse me. She has only felt my energy and we have talked a bit. I haven’t quite squeezed in here before.
(There is heavy breath, followed by heavy panting, as if out of breath and the breathing is out of control. This goes on for almost a minute; Jeanne puts her hand on Regina’s back and says “Relax, just relax.”)
Oh God, oh God! Oh!
That was shitty. I had to replay … trying to deal with the controls and .. lack of .. and getting show back under control and (sobbing at this point) I couldn’t! (more heavy breathing) I am panicking and the cabin and we are trying to get our flight suits on and we can’t. I can barely get mine on. And the lack of…(more heavy breathing/panting/gasping for air)..
Jeanne has her hand on Regina’s back and says “That is okay, that is okay. That is all right. Regina, let that memory go. Let that memory go.” Regina’s face is quite flushed at this time. Jeanne says: “You are just watching, just observing, just watching.” Regina/Rick continues to pant heavily. Jeanne says, “Relax, just relax.”
Control, I can’t be in control!
Step out of it and watch. You are watching a TV screen. You don’t have to go through that for us. You don’t have to go through that for us. Just watch. That’s okay.
I am going to try to step back.
Just step out if you need to.
I need to explain this. Where I went. I am being shown… and I did not want to see this point when I was passing out. Thank heaven Scobee was there and grabbed me so that I didn’t have to witness.. which is why I am going through all this right now because I am still there in the cabin as a physical being even though I have been pulled out of the cockpit. And I am watching as the others are slowly being jostled and unconscious. Only two members have gotten their helmets on somewhat and they are very insufficient and their heads are jostling around and their neck is being snapped and their bodies are being snapped and I am hearing the cracking and the noise outside. And I look beside me and I see Christa and Greg and El, JR, and they have pulled everyone else out. And we are all out of the cabin so we really didn’t have to experience our death. Our suffering was our panic, until we were basically asphyxiated. So fortunately for that we did not have the falling death that the Challenger had just.
(sighs) I apologize for my unprofessional status just now. (sighs)
That is okay.
That is not okay.
You did not know what to expect.
No, I did not know what to expect, but I certainly did not want to go through that again.
But I do want to share with you that all of the Challenger crew – the reason why they are here today is to help us through this process as well.
Yes, there is life after life. It is just our body is gone. And the one crew member that really helped us through all of this of our crew is who we call KC. She believes in all this so she had no problem with all of this. She was the first to leave (chuckles). So enough of this. I know where to go. So she really watched with the 7 Challenger crew and led us across.
We did not have to deal with the fiery explosiveness of re-entry, those last 16 minutes where our debris is spread across a million acres of land. We watched, but very distantly and we really haven’t gone back to it.
We have been in each others homes, but mostly we have mostly been in rehab. As funny as that sounds, it is a form of psychological debriefing on this side where several of us had to be trained as what it is like to exist, but without a body. And even though we have relatives and relations on the other side, we did not fit in because we are all military. So we joined all the rest of the military crew that have been on this side and we have been watching as everybody else have been passing over, including John Glenn and Kelly and Edgar.
And we have been watching and some of them have passed through fairly easily because they are pretty accepting and some of us are more resistant. Even though there is a time frame of the elements that is fairly linear as you work in – this accident happened yesterday – it happened now – it is happening now. So every time we have to look at it, we have to live it, it is happen now and we’re reliving it. It is our way of releasing it. The trauma is released, the way they teach it in psychology.
You have to be debriefed and you have to continue going through the process until you can finally heal the process and let it go. That is where we have been – healing – and it isn’t easy because we are healing as a whole. We are healing as a group of 7 bodies, 7 memories collectively healing as a unit. I am able to speak about it because I am going through and still going through it right now and still going through it. And obviously so…
[Rick/Regina’s body goes into a traumatic shuddering]
… Okay, I am here again. This isn’t easy. I watched them do it with others and I thought I just could do it. It isnt easy at all. Part of this is not easy because she has to see everything I see and it is not a pretty picture so we are really combining trauma with no trauma and so she is going to carry my trauma. I am going to be wracked with guilt for doing this to her. But they tell me she can handle it. She is part of the process (shudders/sobs) and so I am really apologizing..
Oh my God, I am so unprofessional. Fuck it all. Excuse my language, woman.
Rick, would you like to come back later?
(still shuddering/sobbing) I need to leave.
Just step out. It is okay.
Thank you for allowing this moment. My sincere apologies for the unprofessional nature of my person.
It is the humanness of you.
(Pause, some deep breathes and more deep breaths.)